I thought I was being responsible by checking into bed early before 9pm. I had worked all day at the lap top with clients and doing my own research work. I really needed the shut eye. My eyes had been feeling like heavy weights all day. I don't drink coffee, I avoid alcohol (wine doesn't count) and I try to stay clear of sugar as much as possible. Sushi for dinner a few hours before bed. No issue. No wine on this occasion. Unfortunately. It's going to be a good sleep I tell myself. Wrong.
Someone has other plans for me. As I lay there tossing and turning trying to find the most comfortable side to sleep on. Always coming back to the realisation that my back is the most comfortable position. Like it's some new discovery or something. I go through it every night. Insanity is the definition of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Just stay on your back, Renee and don't move! and so it begins. Relax, Renee. I concentrate on my breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. This is my usual relaxation trick that usually is successful in taking me off to Never Land. Where I can dream of a place where growing up is unimaginable and where money is not necessary. I continue to toss and turn and turn and toss. I prefer the sound of the wind to stream through my window softly sweeping me off to my dream state but my partner tells me he cant sleep with the window open.
The creative alarm starts sounding it's bells in my mind. "Here we go" I tell myself.
As I lay next to my sleeping Beau. I could not stop the inspiration flowing through me. My spirit guides telling me to write the book. "I will" I tell them. Tomorrow I will start planning for it, I decide. I politely ask my guides if we can talk about this tomorrow. "Please I really am tired and need some sleep". Another tidal wave glitter mind bomb hits me....My inner goddess asks "Remember that time that lady you worked with told you she could travel into other peoples dreams when she slept? She told you she can take people on flights with dragons and go swimming with dolphins. Remember how you wondered why you don't dream in that kind of way? Remember when she told you she had been given a message that you need to look into who the Toltec's were?" I reply to myself, "Yes, I remember looking into them. I discovered they were an ancient civilisation in Mexico before the Aztec;s that were seen as the artisans that preserved and passed on wisdom and culture. Yes, I answered I know what your getting at. I will do it. I will do it tomorrow." She doesn’t stop. "Do you remember all the lessons in your life Renee. Every internal battle you faced. Every struggle you faced when situations were out of your control? Renee, remember what those hard times taught you? Renee, do you remember your biggest teachers, mentors, supporters and cheer leaders? Renee, do you remember when you forgot about me? Renee, do you remember how you thought I had died? Renee, do you remember how you found me again? Renee, you must remember all of it and find a way to share it!" I feel like a Atreyu in A Never Ending Story! Ok, I'll do it! Let's fly Falkor! I am wide awake now. "Yes, I answer. I do remember and it's as if I start to write the first chapter in my mind. She wont let me start tomorrow and I know it. I’m all over it. The words flow freely through my mind and I know I need to hop up out of bed and start typing it out. I have heard her and she has something to say. I begin to channel all of her wisdom as she guides me through what needs to be said. My spirit guides are more determined then me and they won’t let me sleep when they feel unheard. I pray to god to help me find the courage to write this book. To publish it. To market it. I know I am not afraid of writing a book. That is the easy part. It is the self doubt I look forward to doing battle with on the dance floor.
I find myself playing the comparison game. I want to follow down the same paths as Melissa Ambrosini, Emma Mildon and Cassie Mendoza Jones. Three young women who have recently been blazing a trail for me to follow. Three brave women who faced themselves to find the power to express something that was bigger than who they were as individuals. They were not experts and they still are not experts in their field of focus. They simply had the courage to ask a question and they went on a journey to find the answers for themselves and put in the effort to make their dream a reality. They have become champions because of their commitment and drive to share their findings with the world.
So, what’s my question then?
What is my quest at this stage in my life? My inner goddess whispers to me and tells me to remember the post I put up on Instagram today. I answer, yes. She gently remind's me, "Renee, you wrote about how you have noticed how difficult it is to dream big when you have self-limiting beliefs. Why don’t you write about that?" Lately I have been contemplating the people I have met in my life. Not many had big dreams and if they did they didn't share them with me. Why is that? If you don’t have people around you that dream big how can you learn how to use your imagination and overcome your own fears. If you don’t have people who even set goals in their lives how likely will you be to set goals? How will you know what it feels like to achieve? To win? To feel success in whatever it is you want in life? Success in all forms of life? I have always been a Dreamer. A High Achiever. An Advocate. A Creative. Yet I still have not fully harnessed my limitless potential to dream! And I feel a little pissed off about that. As a community are we not responsible for helping our children realise their full potential?
Instead we wait in shopping centre lines listening to parents who consistently criticise their children for laughing, for playing, for caring, for wanting, for asking, for being creative, for being them SELF. And every time I watch for the joy to fade away from the child's eyes. All in the name of Control, Obedience, Conformity. The sickness. The domestication of the human spirit. The annihilation of your inner wild heart. And so the cancer spreads to drown the dreams of the young and breed the fear into the hearts of our babies who will not learn to take steps on their own but to ask for permission to even try. A civilisation that instead of asking questions and seeking out answers will not have the cognitive ability to do anything else but to do as their told because "they" told you to. Don't you dare speak your mind or be your SELF or you run the risk of the wrath. The social wrath from those who don't know any better.
I have had clients who do not know how to even comprehend the idea of limitless potential, abundance, financial freedom, intelligence, resources. I ask them questions like "If you had it all what would your life look like? What excites you? What gives you pleasure?" And the looks are devastating as they search their imaginations to find a dark empty room. Is it possible that the status-quo are seriously suffering from a developmental delay in imagination? Here we are teaching people about the power of attraction. Like attracts like but if you can't imagine anything more than what is already in front of you? What hope is there? Are we so distracted that we have lost our abilities to vision an existence outside of our reality? Has society created an environment that is so disconnected from SELF and opportunity that people have managed to create self imposed prisons they call a "life"? Food for thought as I work through the process of blogging out my ideas.
So my inner wild child wins as now I am up at 11:30pm writing this blog. She then thinks it’s funny to remind me of this quote. “Great things begin to happen when sleeping women wake”. Cheers to my lovely SELF. You’re a comedian and now I am going back to sleep. I am grateful for your motivation but we need to work on a more convenient schedule.
Renee Marie Simpson